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It is true that you can never go back and re-write the days you had with your loved ones - and this certainly includes regrets over not taking photos at key moments.  Once you have made peace with this fact, there are many ideas for people who are grieving the lack of pictorial archives. It is truly only limited by your imagination and what you feel comfortable with. You might consider simply to put out a call to friends that you are looking for pictures of your beloved. It may never occur to your friends or family to look through their archives and send any photos that they possess... what is more, some might question if it is appropriate to send you pictures thinking that it might upset you, especially if it is unsolicited. Let people know that you are actively trying to increase you library and would cherish any photos they might share. With the photos you do have in your possession... you might consider the following: - Some have chosen to hire a professional photographer to conduct a session that includes  someone holding a portrait of the deceased.  It can be done as a family or individual portrait. This appeals to western cultural sensibilities and yet includes the person in the portrait. These can be formal or informal. You could go to a studio or have it done in your home or some other intimate space. Or, try what I do, do it yourself... - Companies that take photos and create paintings from them often do what is called  "composite painting" . Artists can add to or subtract from the original photos you supply to create one beautiful oil painting. They routinely paint family portraits with an additional person- so as far as composite paintings go, the only limit is your imagination.  -  Collage work  is a mainstay of expressive arts and a great way to combine any constellation of people in your life into a cohesive visual statement. Since many of us have digital pictures, you can easily print your photos to create a 2D collage or work online to make a digital collage. If you are going from prints, you can scan your photos in (services are available at most print and copy stores) and work with paper or digital mediums. You can print with archival inks or, when the work fades - reprint the piece. The process of doing this creative work can be very therapeutic and can be done numerous times for multiple evocative outcomes. Pro-Active Photography from This Day Forward We all learn lessons as we go in this life. Once you lose something you are forever changed. What can we learn from loss and photography? First , everyone should consider the importance of online hosting and another method of backing-up precious photos. For my most precious photos I have a small hard drive in my document firebox and an online host that stores these photos as well. Next , perhaps you can schedule a time every year to think about your photos and if you have covered important categories - did you get these pictures? Here are some of my categories: -- On the beach -- In the park -- On the couch -- Doing their favorite activity -- In the snow -- In the workplace or classroom -- In the city -- All major events -- Playing -- Doing something that is their habit that you find endearing -- Group photos with everyone (use that timer and tripod! or schedule photo sessions) What ideas would you add to this list? Third , if we accept that photography is indeed an interpretive art, then giving yourself freedom to take interpretive liberties that serve your grieving heart is more than permissible and part of the reclaiming process. Photography can be an important part of knitting your heart back together. You should feel free to use any method to help you on your healing journey. If you have other ideas on what people can do to bolster their visual archive, please share them!

Possible Remedies for the Photos You Never Had

Kim GosneyDecember 16, 2018

I was speaking with a gathering of people who had experienced the premature loss of loved ones. These were not the kinds of deaths due to old age, the losses were of young people, people who had been taken far too early. The subject of photography came up. Many chimed in that they regretted not having certain pictures of beloved people who are now forever gone. They felt an aching absence of group photos or snapshots of particular moments that were meaningful to them. This moved me very deeply, to hear the anguish of people who felt that moments had slipped by undocumented and now there was nothing to be done about it. I have only three very precious family photos that include all five of us as a family. This is because I was the family photographer, always behind the camera. So there are thousands of beautiful, spontaneous photos of the children with their father - there are only three of all of us together when I handed the camera to a bystander. These three photos are staged, and not as evocative of feeling as most of our pictures. I enjoy them, but wish I had done things differently now. And then, there were the pictures of our family trip to Leavenworth, Washington from fall 2002. For years I grieved the possibility that I had lost those photos due to computer upgrade confusion... and was morose over the idea. When I found regular print photos of the trip in a box one day - I was overjoyed. Then I remembered that we had left on the trip without the digital camera by accident and had to swing into a convenience market to buy a disposable camera. I was both relieved and thrilled to have these precious pictures back in the archive of family treasures. A Problem as Old as Photography Itself Our ancestors and cultural counterparts might open our minds to different ways of understanding photography and death. For instance, it was convention in the 19th century to pose with personal items, like purses or scarves - that represented absent or dead relatives. This was a method to include them, emotionally, in the picture. Post-mortem photography (also called memorial portraiture or memento mori) were prevalent in the mid-1800s when daguerreotype made photography accessible to the general public. It was a practice of photographing the recently deceased as a way of producing a keepsake... this is still practiced in parts of central Europe. In India, it is a tradition to paste head shots of absent family members into wedding photographs. Culturally, these kinds of photos are not perceived of as trickery but a way to honor someone that was not present.  In present-day America, photo manipulation typically evokes jokes around the deleting of an ex-partner from a dozen years of vacation photographs with Photoshop, scissors or a magic marker… or to remove wrinkles, fat and/or dark circles under the eyes. As well, we hire professional photographic retouchers as a response to a media-saturated world which sets an impossible standard. Since all images of the beautiful and famous are enhanced, ordinary people use retouchers to remove blemishes or double chins from photos to be posted on such pedestrian venues as Facebook. On the other end of the spectrum, there are those who are mourning the loss of all photos of beloved people and moments through disaster. An example. In 2005, Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast of the United States. Katrina victims, many of them having lost everything, found that rebuilding their photo libraries was among the hardest tasks. I read about what the organizers called a "Katrina Shower" - like a baby shower - where people gathered to shower a person with items needed to rebuild... and among the gifts were photos that others had in their collection that might have meaning to the recipient. I was also moved to read about a company that offered free image hosting to Katrina victims. But, behind the scenes, something else has been going on that is seldom discussed. People have hired professional photographic retouchers to create composite portraits of live and deceased people. Such manipulations demonstrate imagination born out of love and loss. This dates back to very early photography. Imagination and memory have never been subject to literal reality - they are always some form of revision. Photography, as well, has always participated in varying levels of distortion. The same photographer can create different impressions of the same scene by including some elements in the frame and omitting others, by changing lenses, or by adjusting the color and tone of the image.  In the next post, we will discuss ways to deal with the lack of good photos of your beloveds.

Photos and Grief

Kim GosneyDecember 16, 2018

In 1596, while writing the history play King John, Shakespeare's 11 year old son, Hamnet, died of the plague. Shakespeare's grief can be seen in the play. In the words of Constance, mother of Prince Arthur, who, believing him to be dead says; "Grief fills the room up of my absent child. Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me. Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words. Remembers me of all his gracious parts. Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form. Then, have I reason to be fond of grief". Constance then exits, and from here on is not seen through the rest of the performance.

A Grief As Old As Our Ancestors

Kim GosneyNovember 23, 2018

Where Culture Fails The Dying and the Grieving… It Fails Us All   Our modern culture has given us so many advantages. We have diverse ways to communicate, to find like-minded people and seek our truths.   But, I believe that the dominant culture often creates a treacherous set of conditions when death and grief occurs.   This culture that we live under is a canopy of thick, dry kindling wood of dysfunction that can ignite around us when we are dying and when we are grieving.   By now, you might be tempted to switch to something else to read or look at some cat videos. The denial of death and grief is a formidable force. Stay with me here.   I will be calling our western culture a “canopy-culture” henceforth because there are certainly sub-cultures that have better systems for supporting death and grief. I applaud those efforts and systems. However, this is not the dominant system.   I will describe three ways that the dominant canopy-culture fails the dying and the grieving - and eventually everyone - for your consideration:  

Our Canopy-Culture Values Achievement VERSUS The Value Of Life Is Not In Production   We gain merit within our society by offering our usefulness and achievement to the system, measured by our production.   This shared vision of achievement can be invigorating and enlivening when we are young, when our lives are ahead of us and when we have access to limitless possibilities.   This society adores us when we get married, have babies, get jobs, build homes, buy cars… and on and on.   The problem is that this Canopy-Culture narrative does not include endings, illnesses, tragedies, losses, closures, and death. Or, when we make too much trouble or require too much effort for too long. Or are unattractive due to pain. Or are not capable of producing - even if for a brief time.   The dying and the bereaved do not fit because loss and death are - in a spiritless culture -  regarded as a vacuum, a waste, a destruction or a regression.   Our Canopy-Culture promotes the upward trajectory - not to be interrupted or thwarted by an accident, illness or a misfortune, not to be fumbled by foggy thinking that can result from grief or months and years of exhaustion from care-giving.   Do those who keep growing and adding to their empires deserve all their successes in our culture? If so, then those who have lost so much must surely, even if subtly, deserve all their losses, pain, and shame. Much has been written recently regarding shame. Shame may be thought of as the experience of blame and guilt for not sustaining the prevailing cultural standards around us. When there is a death, there is a time period, sometimes before the death and often well after the death where resources (financial, emotional and physical) are allocated for the ending of a life and its aftermath.    In this light, in this culture… The dying and grieving processes can create an undercurrent sensation of wasting time, resources, potential.   Are you really doing enough to be worthy of the expense, compassion, and effort by others? Is this investment going to pay off?   The culture often will punish those that take that journey toward death and grief earlier than the norm.   The dying and the grieving are vulnerable in a system like this. At first they may be tokenized, put on pedestals by employers and social groups as examples of how the collective of people are compassionate and caring, or they can zealously display enlivened feelings of drama in an otherwise emotionally numb social structure. Yet sometimes, harshly, those in power and those who need to pick up extra for the person who cannot function at 100%... the dying and the grieving may be secretly watched for errors in productivity and weakness of energy and mind - and thus taken down, even losing career jobs or community status .   I am not saying that people with a terminal diagnosis and grieving people shouldn’t be held accountable for their job performance. However, I’ve noticed that they are rarely held to the same degree of scrutiny or accountability for the same mistakes. The number of people I have seen laid off during these types of situations - boy, that should be a statistical study for some justice-seeking organization.   People, particularly when we are all financially stressed in a recession, can be unaware at best and - at worst - can use leverage against dying and grieving people. Those whose have not been shattered by a diagnosis or bad news, those who have not been drained financially by rough conditions, those who have not been ravaged by grief can .    It’s also more often those who are distressed economically who suffer disproportionately in dying and grieving process. Mark Twain’s famous suggestion that death is “the great leveler”, does not apply on this side of the tombstone. How and where you die - home, hospice or hospital - is heavily dependent on your wealth, geographical location , and whether you have decent health insurance. Grief support can often include a hefty price tag (which is why Alive and Mortal is free and we seek benefactors to support our work to give back to the community.)   A society that thinks of people as having merit due to their achievement of rock-solid empires will neglect or even deny the profound and labor-intensive process of dying and grief, the hard-fought lessons of the dying, the clarion wisdom of the life cycle, the sacred nature of illness and aging and the brilliant beauty of grief.   Some of the hardest work people will ever do in this Canopy-Culture is to work toward dying with safety and sacredness and to grieve with courage and honesty.  

Our Canopy-Culture Values Speed and Autonomy VERSUS Death & Grief Are Slow and Inter-Dependent   To clarify, even a sudden death will more often than not have a longer story of how it suddenly occurred - that includes factors such as violent cultural problems, lack of community resources and support, poverty of information and so forth.    This Canopy-Culture is already disappointed that death and grief has manifested. There was always a nutritional supplement that was overlooked, a mental process that was avoided, or drug that could have made a difference. The tyranny of quick solutions for dying and grieving are endless and a lot of money is made by charlatans that offer quick healing for illness, tragedy and sorrow. After Brian died I received perhaps as many as 40 emails with cancer fighting advice, thanks. And many grief groups reached out that touted moving on and beating grief for a price tag. Many books. Many retreats.   Further, the Canopy-Culture views individual achievements as the most intoxicating narratives. Everyone is capable of building fortresses and empires. There is a forgetting of community and inter-dependence and a blind eye to our entitlements and privileges.   Meeting basic survival needs is a far more pressing priority for the dying and grieving just at the moment when their need for community and connection escalates. They are the anti-narrative to the Canopy-Culture.    T his is when the Canopy-Culture fails yet again and retracts. Even if its members show up for a week to the accompany the dying or the grieving, reliably within a month there is a stunning lack of community presence. Losing place in the cultural fabric of our lives can literally kill us, maim us or weaken us. We seem to have placed a very short time stamp on support. There seems to be an unspoken expectation that after some time, everyone will simply get on with life. This concept is wrecking our entire culture.   If we are unable to die and grieve in community, it is nearly impossible to find safety.    This is the only characteristic that unites all humans - that we will die - it is what unites us all at our core.   I have known of numerous people who have openly posted regarding their condition on social media and been hassled for it. Consequently you will find many closed and secret groups online for people with terminal diagnosis and grief stories because of the hostility people have toward having their newsfeed present something emotionally challenging to them over their latte and Sunday paper.   Another telling indication of this societal norm is the traditions around employment leave for illness, caregiving and bereavement in this country. They are abysmal. Earth shattering circumstances still only garner a few days of adjustment. Many employers will not allow employees to pool sick, vacation or bereavement leave for people with catastrophic situations. This ties back to the first characteristic mentioned -  achievement and production are highly valued in our culture.      

Our Canopy-Culture Values Optimism And Safety VERSUS Death and Grief Display Mortality   There is a forgetting in the Canopy-Culture and a thick denial - we ignore that death and grief will be an experience we all will face eventually.   As Ernest Becker said, “To live fully is to live with an awareness of the rumble of terror that underlies everything.”    Decent people die and grieve and deserve compassion, rather than contempt.   These topics remain taboo, shunned as legitimate topics in polite circles. We continue to have a strained relationship with the concepts - and realities - of death and grief.   The medical profession both supports and is tyrannized by this system. In a 2008 study of chronic heart failure, people were shown to overestimate their life expectancy by a full three years. This kind of optimism was also shown in a 2011 study of lung cancer patients who were deemed to have inaccurate perceptions of the purpose of their treatment (i.e. cure versus palliation) and their chances of mid to long-term survival. Our tendency to think we will “beat the odds” may result in not being properly prepared for death.   Grieving people often - and I mean REALLY often - report that recovery of any normal version of a feeling life takes much longer than they ever could have imagined, if at all.   Taboo or not, death and grief are part of a conversation we all need to have. If nothing else, having more conversation about death and grief could provide opportunities for insight - insight that would benefit us during the end of life. No one should become totally alone while vulnerable and suffering during these moments.   Denial has its advantages – protecting us from things we are not ready to face. The time to discuss death and grief are now, ahead of the crisis moments. If we continue to stay in denial, the outcomes will not be as kind or loving as they could be.  

Finally, Social Death Can Be Real   If culture is failing dying and grieving people, then it’s failing us all. It is only a matter of time before death will head toward each person in its trademark unexpected way.   Any system that further marginalizes the most vulnerable cannot be a true instrument of justice. This creates a social death.   In certain seasons, to be human is to be vulnerable, to lie fallow, to express need, to hurt, to grieve, to die.    If we are going to build strong communities we need to also build strategies that recognize and affirm the lives of dying and grieving people. A community that takes into account the existence of death and grief and makes space for it has a chance to become a vibrant and relevant culture.   We need to be wary of the ways in which cultural systems, both formal and informal, can be used to manipulate and exploit individuals – and we need to question systems that exploit people or treat them as disposable.   We need to value one another – each and every person who makes up our society regardless of where we are in the life cycle – as precious, as sacred, as flawed, as essential.   We need to believe that we are capable of a creating a justice that transforms instead of diminishes because we have no other choice. I will die. You will die. We all will grieve.

Where Culture Fails The Dying and the Grieving… It Fails Us All

Kim GosneyFebruary 10, 2018

INGRID GOES WEST - a review through the eyes of bereavement “We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” - Joan Didion SPOILER ALERT The script earned Smith and Spicer (who also directed) an award at the 2017 Sundance Festival. The talented cast is impeccable in their performances. The trailers for "Ingrid Goes West" depict the movie as a dark and over-the-top comedy about mental fragility, social media, superficiality and obsession. The iMDB summary of the movie is succinct: "An unhinged social media stalker moves to LA and insinuates herself into the life of an Instagram star." The comedy portion of the film is recognizable from the peculiar things all people, to one degree or another, do online. Staring at our phones, typing in strange responses, stalking people online that we do not know to see what their life might be... longing for bullet-proof perfect privilege.

But, how does this film stack up in terms of depicting young adults coping with grief and loss of parents? How #perfect is it where grief is concerned? First, the movie is - like most movies - depicting people in a level of caricature. It is not a bio-pic, so expecting all the scenes to be realistic is beyond the scope of a film such as this. For instance, it is not likely that Ingrid would survive in Los Angeles as long as she did on the amount of money she inherited. Suspending judgement is a part of what film always invites us to do, unless it is a documentary film. The two characters in the film that are known to have encounter the deaths of their parents are Ingrid and her love interest Dan Pinto. Ingrid appears to have been a caregiver of her mother. At one point, she tells Dan that her mother "died of a heart attack" but we know this not to be the entire story given the earlier scene where a hospital bed appears in the living room that and emotionally bereft Ingrid falls asleep in. We are left with the impression that likely Ingrid has been a caregiver at home in some sort of hospice arrangement for some time. We also know that Ingrid was in a mental ward for some period of time, establishing her mental fragility - perhaps bipolar disorder. Later, Ingrid used the money she inherited to fund a transition to California to seek out her new online obsession. There she meets landlord Dan Pinto. Dan is an orphan. He reveals that his parents died in a car accident. He has bonded with the character Batman to pull himself through this early, horrific loss. Though Dan has used a mythological character to pull him through a painful and frightening childhood, he is refreshingly authentic and transparent. This contrasts with the vapid Instagram reality that Ingrid chases. Dan has offered a fragile opening where he allows Ingrid in... but she is oblivious to this potential bond, seeing her relationship as only a tactical advantage for her. She appears more herself with him, but has little time for this. Her attention is elsewhere. She goes to any length - ANY LENGTH - to attach herself to the one person she identifies as having the perfect life to feel as if she too, has such a life story. The caped crusader myth of the story helps keep this movie out of the Single White Female genre. “We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” Grief has a way of throwing us out of our bodies and out of our lives. Grief can make us do insane things (maybe not like Ingrid, but nonetheless we will see sides of ourselves that we never had occasion to know existed...) My empathy bloomed for both characters in the scene where they are sharing their lack of parental presence. It reminds me of many conversations I have had with people where we are revealing our wounds and scars. I get the sense that Dan takes this all in and Ingrid is still teflon to the possible care being cooked between them. Ingrid has determined that her wellbeing is tied to closeness with the woman of her obsession and has no bandwidth for any other safe harbor.

Ingrid attempts suicide and puts the entire experience on Instagram. She awakens in the hospital and learn later that Dan saved her life. Her survival is tied to a real person with real transparency. She also sees an Instagram outpouring begging her not to kill herself. The ending of the movie leaves us with a question- will she stay in the online world alone or blend it with a real in-the-flesh relationship with Pinto? I will need to see it again to review the suicide speech. I was too emotional to take it in as a reviewer should. Pinto shows himself to be the only character worth knowing and he is marginalized throughout the film by all the characters. He has had the hardest loss and is the most un-glamorous and invisible. I have found, listening to the tales of many, that sometimes the most courageous people are not easily identified. They are living day to day below the shiny lights of our media. I recommend this movie if you have a dark sense of humor, can withstand or close your eyes to some violence and a suicide scene that ends without death.

"Ingrid Goes West" - a Review with Grief in Mind

Kim GosneySeptember 2, 2017

Story of a Grief-Addled Brain Studies have shown that grief can cause havoc in cognitive functioning, memory and concentration. I wanted to share a bit personally about this. Here is the backdrop. I had been on a roller coaster. I was in a "seasonal mode," working 70 hour weeks in event production when Brian started complaining of back pain. I was already depleted when we began on a road that would lead to Brian's death. On that road, things intensified and I went for approximately 25 days without any significant sleep. Three days sleeping in a chair in the hospital and occasionally crawling into the twin-sized hospital bed to hold Brian. At home with hospice - 22 days of round-the-clock pressure to suss out his caregiving. To give you a picture, say - if each day I learned 5 new things about his caregiving, the next day... 3 of those things would be obsolete. After he died my sleep was no better. I had a lot of excess adrenaline and would have to use sleep aids to force myself to sleep. For about 2 years after (an never had I had this before), my body would do what is called an extreme hypnic jerk, hypnagogic jerk or night start. This was like having my whole body being electrocuted by an impulse when I had been lying in bed.  There was the disruption of life, daily tasks, finances and new responsibilities. Things that were not my responsibility previously became urgent and mine to sort through. Most of my habits were disorganized or obliterated. There was the growing and worrisome realization that I could not afford to stay in our home without his income. There was the deep dive into his work materials, his equipment, his systems that I knew little to nothing about. There were all the people, some old, some new, to try and suss out what was wanted and needed. And then, there was the deep, creeping grief that moved in as a permanent room-mate. And the crippling emotional and physical pain of having a soul mate cross over. Here is the meat of what I would like to share. I went out for a meal with one of our family friends to plan Brian's distribution of ashes. As we sat at the restaurant, I could sense that he was growing increasingly impatient with my inability to plan, forecast and organize this trip to the Pacific northwest from Los Angeles region. I was inarticulate, my language seemed to have vanished. I was dumbfounded by my inability to plan - I had designed and run events for over 4,000 people in 160 acres, and I seemed to not be able to plan a trip for about 10 people coming from 4 geographic locations. He became so frustrated with me, he said that he could no longer talk about the plans and that I should contact him when I was ready to get going on the plans. Somehow my brain registered his frustration and yet I was swimming in so much brain fog that I could not move myself into worry for his cranky response. Then, he changed the subject. He asked me about some past event. Out of my mouth came full, articulate sentences that were nuanced and clever. I startled myself with the contrast. In that moment.  Little did I know that this was a foreshadow of what was to come. My language and cognition about anything past-tense would be crystal clear and full of language fluidity. My language and cognition about anything present or future tense involuntarily boiled down to one or two unclear words. This went on for several months - say about 8 months. In that time I also received numerous parking tickets, lost several of those parking tickets. Locked myself out of the car numerous times (thanks AAA) and missed appointments. I misplaced bills, forgot to return emails and correspondences. Missed meetings, was late to meetings, got lost. Lost keys and wallets, locked myself out of the house and... well you can imagine. It got better slowly over time. I am 9 years out now and I can say that I am about at 80% of my formal mental acumen. That should factor in aging in addition to grief. I recall the first time I went to the grocery after he died I was in there for well over an hour because the sheer task of getting food was flooding me and I could barely process what was happening. Why tell you all this? Because it seems, I am not the only one that has this experience. People who have never been impacted by grief are likely not to understand how disordered our minds can become when we have lost a life partner that we are deeply bonded to. And I would like them to have a chance to understand this. Without this awareness, they will want us to be the old, articulate person that we once were. We can be seen as a problem, slow, confused and out of control. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS CAN BE NORMAL BECAUSE WE EXPERIENCED THE DEATH OF SOMEONE MUCH LOVED AND WE ARE DEEPLY BONDED TO OUR LOVED ONE. We did not abandon them, did not hide, did not ship them off to a professional service. We stayed and we met the task head on and kept them safe and ushered them home.  While grief causes havoc in the brain, creates pain, problems and inconveniences - grief itself should not be treated in such a derogatory manner. The death event and all the things leading up to it and after it - culminates in a permanent and impactful earthquake to the person who is left behind. No one you know will really "get over" an important loss. They will just adapt to it, learn how to walk again - often with a slight, beautiful limp. Life was severely disrupted and never returned to it's previous state.  And I would do it all over again, for such a love. "... the night will break your heart, only if you're lucky now."

Story of a Grief-Addled Brain, or Why We Have Grief Brain Fog

Kim GosneyAugust 8, 2017

Four Truths That Grieving People Wish You Knew During The Holiday Season

Four Truths That Grieving People Wish You Knew During The Holiday Season “Happy Holidays?”  As the days of autumn are leaving, the word “happy” will be increasingly woven into our daily conversations. There is no season more full of verbal affirmations than those seasonal months from November through January... and even into February with Valentine's Day.  However, for those of us who’ve recently lost someone we love, the increasing use of the word “happy” stings with sorrow. It is a challenging three - four months for us. Our grief will not disappear with the many rituals and sentimental activities of the season. In fact, many find that this season often escalates our grief. We can’t fix it. You cannot fix it. We should not even try. Let’s all let that idea go.  But, we can be more thoughtful of those enduring grief during the holidays.  Although it is mid-summer, many of us who organize events for grieving people are already working on holiday preparedness. If we start talking about this now, ideas will spread and we can work to making this a kinder holiday season for many people. Here are FOUR THINGS we would like you, the general public, to know during the upcoming holidays…  1. We will be missing them. No matter if it has been 1 hour, 1 year or 10 years.

We have lost an important person and we will be missing them. No matter if it has been 1 hour, 1 year or 10 years.

When we have lost someone that we are deeply bonded to, unfortunately even the most lovely occasion is pierced by moments of pain. Consider it like thorns on the rose. For us, the deceased person is always on our minds to one degree or another. We have crossed a bridge that we can never return over - it means we lost our innocence and denial and we can't forget that we mourn the loss of a special person, maybe two or three or more. It means constantly feeling an absence of someone or several people we love. We miss our old selves, too. Our old self will never return, but we hope that the emerging one is even better. Our "carefree self" likely died as we endured our loved one's death. Practically all occasions are tinged with some amount of sadness for us right now. We are not choosing this. We cannot do anything to change this. There is no amount of music, activities, crazy antics, people or schedules that will alter this shadow over the holiday season for us. If we can all agree on that, there is more room for things to feel more kind and supportive. Thank you for being a person that understands this as our truth. 2. Social settings and dynamics are extremely challenging when we are grieving.

Social dynamics are extremely challenging when we are grieving.

Please know that being with people who are blissfully unaware of death, loss and grief can be exceedingly painful for us. Merriment can feel almost surreal. Seeing people that still have their intact families and friend cohort groups - this reminds us of what we are living without.  Even when we are with people that are grieving the same losses as we are - family members and friends can be on different timetables and have unique paths of grieving. There is no "wrong way" - there is only yours, but that can feel isolating and lonely. And some people do not allow for other ways of grieving. For example, some want to “move on.” Others do not believe in such a thing as “moving on” or they do not see themselves as there. Some want nothing to change and want the holiday to be kept the same, others want nothing to stay the same and want to go to a tropical island. Sometimes, the name of the person who died is never mentioned so as not to upset anyone at the gathering. At other times, advice is liberally ladled out on grieving people who have little strength to defend their truth in the moment. Sometimes the one who is deceased was the glue that held everyone together and no one in the group knows how to be together any longer. Think of it as lots of ages, stages and contexts all mixed together with pain. We do not want to be a downer, we do not want to ruin the fun. And. Holiday gatherings are taxing for even the most extroverted of us. We want and need to be included - but we need to be given lots of space for rest and repose. When you extend an invitation, give us permission to decline, cancel, attend for a brief time or take a walk (break). You can ask us what might make us more comfortable. Allow us to bring a companion should we need it. A majority of us want to speak and hear the name of the person who died or listen and be free to tell or hear stories about the deceased. Often we cannot shift our energy for long periods of time for a social gathering. Please understand that. Let's just say - this combination of grief, the holidays and socializing counts as some of the hardest stuff people encounter. Families: encouraging people to give everyone a lot of room for their emotions. Try to make space for hugs and gentle care. Friends: spending one-on-one time with us if you can and inviting us to decompress with you can often be welcome. Thank you for being a supporter of us. 3. Our tears are a release - please welcome them.

Tears are a release - welcome them.

“Tears are the noble language of eyes, and when true love of words is destitute. The eye by tears speak, while the tongue is mute.” ― Robert Herrick Tears are the most common language of grief. They can, at the same time, be unwelcome and awkward - particularly during “happy” seasonal events. Please know - we seldom can control when we cry. We all need to remember that tears are not the enemy, ourselves included. In fact, they are a helpful way that our bodies work to off put stress and pain. Let us know that our tears are not only ok, but accepted. Know that if YOU cry when listening to us that we receive it as a tender gift. Give us the ability to excuse ourselves when emotions are too much in a social setting. Ask if we want company. Please let our yes be yes and our no be no. Thank you for making space for our tears. 4. In the midst of a noisy season, your listening matters.

In the midst of a noisy season, your listening matters.

Our feelings of loneliness and isolation may likely increase in these three - four long months. We are often out of sync with the world during the holidays. We know there are a lot of things competing for your attention - that may have once been our reality too. We know that you have limited time. Our time may become slower and more empty. Arrange to call or text us or send an e-card. When you call and ask us how we are truly doing, you give us the gift of time, a gift far more expensive than any purchased gift. Forget worrying over formulating in your mind what you are going to say next. We know that what we are saying is challenging and you may be prone to mental distractions. Therefore, it is a real gift when you are attentive and actively listening for a segment of time. Even if you have heard it all before, your patience lets us know that you understand. We need to say it more than you need to hear it. Thank you for listening to us. These four things can make a difference in a grieving person’s experience of the holiday season. Thank you for caring - and please, share this article to help others learn how to better support grieving people.  For more support, join us. Alive and Mortal - aliveandmortal.org .

Four Truths We Grieving People Would Like You To Know During The Holiday Season

Kim GosneyJuly 25, 2017

The Empty Bowl The metaphor: a bowl. empty. waiting to be filled. it's only true contents the cool air that spans the distance between its curved walls. the light and shadow that are broken from its shape. The empty bowl implies the possibility of being filled. the hope and belief of being filled. nevertheless, it is empty now. It fits perfectly in the palms of my hands as if it were made just for me, just for this day, this time. It is cool to the touch and light as a feather it could break should I hold it too carelessly or hold it with too much force. I must hold it with relaxed, yet purposeful hands. And pay attention. Maybe it will be filled with manna maybe water maybe a piece of bread It may take time. I pray not. I thirst. I hunger. I am alone. I am needy. my arms tire as if it were heavy as if it were made of stone. My eyes fading. Yet I am here with my empty bowl, and a teaspoon full of faith in something larger than myself. -- kg

A Poem by Kim - The Empty Bowl

Kim GosneyJuly 21, 2017

If you are having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) you may fall into one or more of three categories:   intrusive memories avoidance and numbing increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal) You may have someone suggest EMDR treatment to you. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing  and is a treatment for PTSD. In EMDR, a patient brings to mind emotionally unpleasant images and beliefs about themselves related to their traumatic event. With these thoughts and images in mind, patients are asked to experience bi-lateral stimulation as guided by the therapist. I traveled to New England to receive EMDR but you can find a local clinician.  In your first session, the clinician will likely explain how EMDR might be used to address the specific concerns you have identified - and help you to identify the "target(s)" for EMDR reprocessing - the particular feeling(s), memory(ies), belief(s), or situation(s) that has been problematic for you.  There are different types of bilateral stimulation. Your clinician may use ear phones, tappers held in your hands, lights that can be followed by your eyes or various types of music with embedded bilateral sounds. Using bilateral stimulation, you explore positive resources in your mind. EMDR is very effective at enhancing positive images, thoughts, and memories. Later, when working with upsetting targets, you can return to these positive resources as a place of safety, support, and calm. As you think about the target - bilateral stimulation helps your mind "reprocess" the target by allowing your mind to move towards new thoughts and feelings. "Desensitization" occurs when there is a decrease in the anxiety or negative emotions associated with the target. When you no longer find the target disturbing, you have arrived at "adaptive resolution". How many sessions will be needed?   Repeated studies show that EMDR can be extremely effective in as few as three sessions - compared to years in more traditional forms of therapy (see the Journal of Anxiety Disorders, vol.13,1999). Often one might anticipate 6 sessions and an assessment on whether to continue or to conclude EMDR. The time frame of the work will largely be determined by your needs and goals. I used EMDR and it has been highly effective for me. I had a talented clinician and attended 8 sessions. I highly recommend EMDR.

Post-Traumatic Stress? Consider EMDR Therapy...

Kim GosneyJuly 21, 2017

The smallest diaspora begins creeping in the souls of those weakened in the hearts of those suffering in the mourning and the grieving. This one whose hands are aching and whose hold is slipping onto anything anyone will never return to the homeland. The brother will not notice. The neighbor will not see The kindred do not comprehend the vanishing. This is the smallest diaspora. The one that is lost here. The other that is missing there. That hands are aching and hold is slipping onto anything anyone even time itself. -- kg

Poem by Kim - "The smallest diaspora"

Kim GosneyJuly 9, 2017

En su llama mortal la luz te envuelve.  Absorta, pálida doliente, así situada contra las viejas hélices del crepúsculo que en torno a ti da vueltas. Muda, mi amiga,  sola en lo solitario de esta hora de muertes y llena de las vidas del fuego,  pura heredera del día destruido.  Del sol cae un racimo en tu vestido oscuro.  De la noche las grandes raíces crecen de súbito desde tu alma,  y a lo exterior regresan las cosas en ti ocultas, de modo que un pueblo pálido y azul de ti recién nacido se alimenta.  Oh grandiosa y fecunda y magnética esclava del círculo que en negro y dorado sucede:  erguida, trata y logra una creación tan viva que sucumben sus flores, y llena es de tristeza.  The Light Wraps You The light wraps you in its mortal flame. Abstracted pale mourner, standing that way against the old propellers of the twilight that revolves around you. Speechless, my friend, alone in the loneliness of this hour of the dead and filled with the lives of fire, pure heir of the ruined day. A bough of fruit falls from the sun on your dark garment. The great roots of night grow suddenly from your soul, and the things that hide in you come out again so that a blue and palled people your newly born, takes nourishment. Oh magnificent and fecund and magnetic slave of the circle that moves in turn through black and gold: rise, lead and possess a creation so rich in life that its flowers perish and it is full of sadness.

Poem - "The light wraps you in its mortal flame.

Kim GosneyJuly 3, 2017

We usually think of hope as being grounded in our future This is "Wishful Hope" There is another kind of hope, though One born out of fully remembering our past We have survived everything in our lives thusfar We will be able to master this challenge too Any suffering in the past is a cornerstone for this kind of hope It is called "Transformative Hope" -kg

A Reliable Foundation For Hope

Kim GosneyJuly 3, 2017

Life changes in both radical and subtle ways when someone dies.  Here is what I wrote after my mother died: "Today, I am thinking about the subtle ways that life changes...  these alterations seem somewhat vexing... they creep in and make stark contrasts with the noisy life that we all seem to lead. When my mother was younger, she was very active and busy. She was occupied and pre-occupied with her projects and interests. She always had said that she wanted her grandchildren to ask "Where is Grandma now?".... she was never the mother that stayed home and baked and set up space for you to visit. But when she had turned - I will guess - around 80+ some things shifted for the woman who was always on the move. She slowed. Her legs were less reliable through accident and unsuccessful surgeries. Her heart was less robust. So the woman who had little time to be a mother when young was more available for phone calls, texts and emails. But it is our phone calls that I am missing beyond measure. These calls were often held on my cell phone when I was driving. They consisted of me calling and - for the large part- listening to her. Peppered in there where increasing questions of how I was, what was going on. Increasing over the years was a slow tectonic plate shift toward a more generous conversation style with ample time and more interest in things beyond her projects. Mom died on Good Friday - March 29, 2013.  On Tuesday I took, for the first time, one of the drives when I typically called her. And I could hardly breathe. There will be nothing to replace this for me. These phone calls filled in some of the gaps and fissures of my relationship with her. It is such a gift and I had it for about 6 years or so.... I am so sad to let it go. I plan to keep speaking with her, though, it will not be the same." Love, Kim

The Spaces That Open As Death Draws Closer

Kim GosneyNovember 7, 2016

Brian, written on February 12, 2008 at 12:38 in the morning... “Looking for parts that matter Wet and tired, a strong return? Fuck the stupid grey mist singing Old and tired songs And fuck the sleep that comes begging With lucid fits of of ill regard I'm a comet burning loudly With brilliant flames Through ripping air Some tremble with expected doom But I was only out for An exaulted romp through time I am gone” Brian began to not feel well in May, 2008. Brian died June 17, 2008. I still marvel at this.

Perhaps He Foresaw His Death...

Kim GosneyOctober 10, 2016

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. All wise men got puzzled by King's request. One answer for all question? Something that works everywhere, in every situation? In every joy, every sorrow, every defeat and every victory?  They thought and thought. After a lengthy discussion, an old man suggested something which appeal to all of them. They went to king and gave him something written on paper. But the condition was that king was not to see it - only in extreme danger, when the King finds himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then he can see it. The King put the papers under his diamond ring. After a few days, enemy neighbors attacked the Kingdom. The King and his army fought bravely but lost the battle. King had to flee on his horse. His horse took him far away in Jungle. He could hear many troops of horses were following him and the noise was coming closer and closer. Suddenly the King found himself standing in the end of the road. Underneath there was a rocky valley thousand feet deep. If he jumped, he would be finished. King became restless. There seemed to be no way. Then suddenly he saw the diamond in his ring shining in the sun, and he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond and read the message. The message was very small but very great. The message was - " This too will pass." The King read it. Again read it. Suddenly he understood - Yes! Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the Kings. Yet today, the Kingdom and all pleasure have gone. I am here trying to escape from enemies. However when those days of luxuries have gone, this day of danger too will pass. A calm come on his face. He kept standing there. The place where he was standing was full of natural beauty. He had never known that such a beautiful place was also a part of his Kingdom. The revelation of message had a great effect on him. He relaxed and forget about those following him. After a few minute he realized that the noise of the horses and the enemy coming was receding. They moved into some other part of the mountains and were not on that path. The King was very brave. He reorganized his army and fought again. He defeated the enemy and regain his lost empire. When he returned to his empire after victory, he was received with much fan fare at the door. The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory. Everyone was in a festive mood. Flowers were being thrown on King from every house, from every corner. People were dancing and singing. For a moment King said to himself,"I am one of the bravest and greatest King. It is not easy to defeat me." With all the reception and celebration an ego emerged in him. Suddenly the Diamond of his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded him of the message. He open it and read it again: "This too will pass." And, he became silent.

An Essay on Impermanence

Kim GosneyAugust 16, 2016

Some days I buckle under the weight of all the dark forces that hold dominion on the widow and orphan. Some days I feel the downward vortex of the stillborn one and the empty bassinet. Aching for a way-shower. A guide to show me how to get OUT. And then I rise. Somehow. I honestly cannot tell you how. It rises within like a surge of firey pain that cries out to love life and be fruitful. On Tuesday I told the woman that my favorite word was "nevertheless". -kg

Poem by Kim- "Some days I buckle under the weight of all the dark forces that hold dominion on the widow and orphan."

Kim GosneyAugust 11, 2016

Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay. -- Robert Frost

Poem - "Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold."

Kim GosneyJuly 5, 2016

I dreamt I was standing at the top of a very high tower, alone, looking down upon myriads of birds all flying in one direction; every kind of bird was there, all the birds in the world. It was a noble sight, this vast aerial river of birds. But now in some mysterious fashion the gear was changed, and time speeded up, so that I saw generations of birds, watched them break their shells, flutter into life, mate, weaken, falter and die. Wings grew only to crumble; bodies were sleek, and then, in a flash, bled and shrivelled; and death struck everywhere at every second. What was the use of all this blind struggle towards life, this eager trying of wings, this hurried mating, this fight and surge, all this gigantic meaningless effort? As I stared down, seeming to see every creature’s ignoble little history almost at a glance, I felt sick at heart. It would be better if not one of them, if not one of us, had been born, if the struggle ceased for ever. I stood on my tower, still alone, desperately unhappy. But now the gear was changed again, and the time went faster still, and it was rushing by at such a rate, that the birds could not show any movement, but were like an enormous plain sown with feathers. But along this plain, flickering through the bodies themselves, there now passed a sort of white flame, trembling, dancing, then hurrying on; and as soon as I saw it I knew that this white flame was life itself, the very quintessence of being; and then it came to me, in a rocket burst of ecstasy, that nothing mattered, nothing could ever matter, because nothing else was real but this quivering and hurrying lambency of being. Birds, men and creatures not yet shaped and coloured, all were of no account except so far as this flame of life travelled through them. It left nothing to mourn over behind it; what I had thought was tragedy was mere emptiness or a shadow show; for now all real feeling was caught and purified and danced on ecstatically with the white flame of life. I had never before felt such deep happiness as I knew at the end of my dream of the tower and the birds, and if I have now kept that happiness with me, as an inner atmosphere and sanctuary for the heart, that is because I am a weak and foolish man who allows this mad world to come in destroying every green shoot of wisdom. Nevertheless, I have not been quite the same man since. J.B. Priestly - "Man and Time"

Essay - "I dreamt I was standing at the top of a very high tower, alone..."

Kim GosneyJune 17, 2016

A man crosses the street in rain, stepping gently, looking two times north and south. Because his son is asleep on his shoulder, no car must splash him, no car drive too near to his shadow. This man carries the world's most sensitive cargo, but he's not marked. Nowhere does his jacket say, "Fragile, handle with care." His ears fill up with breathing. He hears the hum of a boy's dream deep inside him. We're not going to be able to live in this world if we're not willing to do what he's doing with one another. The road will only be wide, the rain will never stop falling. -- Naomi Shihab Nye

Poem - " A man crosses the street in rain, stepping gently, looking two times north and south."

Kim GosneyMay 24, 2016

Your grief for what you've lost holds a mirror up to where you've bravely working. Expecting the worst, you look and instead, here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see. Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expand the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as bird wings. -- Rumi

Poem - "Your grief for what you've lost holds a mirror up to where you've bravely working."

Kim GosneyMarch 10, 2016