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They may have discussed marriage or been engaged. They may have been life partners because they could not formalize a legal arrangement. They may have made a heart contract. They may have been together months or decades; lived together or separately.     And then their beloved dies. These grieving people often express a different kind of grief. Without a state endorsed ceremony and license, the world of widows and widowers appears to them to be a gated community, walled by two pieces of paper – a wedding license and a death certificate. And it is their perception that this gated community keeps them out. Despite the derivations, one common thread remains – that the word “widow” or “widower” could be challenged if they were to define themselves thus. But there is no existing word for them. Many have reported that they feel their grief is devalued. Others have lost shared resources, wealth, and relationships. Some have even lost access to children. The term “widow” and “widower” is code. It stands for the level of personal disruption and hardship a death creates, as well as the measure of the bond and heartache. Since all terms are slippery, the term “widow” or “widower” never will tease out, for example, the surviving partner that secretly wished the partner dead or the spouse that had an affair and was about to leave the marriage only to be slowed by illness or death. I undertook study of the word “widow” in it's historical context in search of better understanding. As with all research projects, you begin with an intuitive hunch that may or may not bear out. In this case, there are multiple points of interest to bring to the table. To know what the word widow meant historically, you have to start with what marriage meant historically. Marriage in Western civilization has a circuitous history, chiefly influenced by Roman, Hebrew, and Germanic cultures. Marriage is, unfortunately, not easily summarized. From an anthropological perspective, it appears that all cultures view marriage as an absolute necessity. All cultures pressure healthy persons to marry and bear children. Many cultures have gone so far as to have laws that penalized the unmarried and childless. While generalities are hard to distill, throughout history marriage consisted of a personal agreement that did not involve government or religion until very recently. Marriage was generally conducted as business arrangement between families. These soft boundaries in relation to marriage also resulted in soft boundaries in relation to widowhood. The Judeo-Christian influence on our modern society is undeniable. It is interesting to reconstruct our early ancestors understanding of widowhood. Greek term translated "widow" (chera) means "bereft" and conveys a sense of suffering loss or being left alone. The term chera is not limited to a woman whose husband has died. It is understood as a woman that was left desolate, forsaken, abandoned and empty. The Septuagint is the Koine Greek version of the Hebrew Bible, and was written in stages between the 3rd and 2nd Centuries BCE in Alexandria. The Septuagint's treatment of 2 Samuel 20 includes a story about David taking ten women as his concubines. He put them in ward, fed them, but never had sexual relations or saw them. So they were shut up unto the day of their death, living each day in “widowhood” - the root of “widow” being the greek word chera. This passage demonstrates a completely different understanding of the state of “widowhood” – one where a husband was actually alive. The scriptures often use the term as to be left "desolate" or "alone". At this time in history, being alone was an especially difficult position because community was everything. There was no honorable employment for women, neither was there government assistance. Since the outlook for women alone was bleak, the early Christian church began to propose that it was a virtue to assist them. The emerging Christian ethos can be seen in James 1:27, where the treatment of widows was a test through which believers demonstrated the genuineness of their faith. Chera - “widowhood” - was not limited to a husband's death, nor was it limited by religious or legal constructs around the partnership. A widow could be a woman who lost her partner through divorce, desertion, imprisonment, or especially death. If she marries or remarries, she is no longer a “widow” because she is no longer bereft. Caring for such a woman was seen as a privilege and a manifestation of God's compassion. Love, Kim

The Widow's Gates Part One of Two

Kim GosneyFebruary 15, 2019

Fast forward to Medieval Europe. The legalities of marriage had actually changed very little. Again, the most common kind of marriage was understood simply by the couple's living together for a time period. It was in this context - in early part of the Middle Ages - that the root of our word “widow” starts to appear. The Oxford English Dictionary’s earliest citation is before 825 in the Vespasian Psalter: “Sien bearn his asteapte & wif his widwe.” (Orphaned is his son & his wife a widow.) Note the interesting use of the word orphan when the mother is still alive... again, these terms seem to have far looser perimeters than we assign to them. It also reflects a male-centric worldview. The verb form appears in the Middle English period. From the 14th century Northumbrian poem Cursor Mundi: “Ik am nu widuit of mi spus.” (I am now widowed of my spouse.) The Indo-European root -"widh" - means to separate, to be empty. The root in Latin is the source of the word: divide. These words imply a state of being rather than a legal condition. The only sources historians have to determine the civilian histories of widows and widowers are surviving household accounts, personal wills and letters. Historical archives of letters and correspondence indicate that widows were sought after for marriage in Europe in the middle ages. Likely this reflects a motivation to increase power and wealth among families. Chaucer's Wife of Bath was purported to have “husbands five”. King Henry VII's mother had four husbands. Some wills specified a requirement for their widows to “remain a widow” and not remarry. The Earl of Pembroke stated in his will "wyfe .. . remember your promise to me take the ordyre of widowhood as ye may be the better mayster of your owne, to performe my wille and to help my children, as I love and trust you." They had seven children. If remarried, these women were no longer considered widows. This might further indicate that the understanding of this word implies that they are no longer left desolate, forsaken, abandoned and empty. Fast forward to Colonial America. Since there were few courts or churches available... everyone, including aristocrats, were again back to getting married by living together and declaring themselves husband and wife. These were referred to as common-law marriages. Today, surveys estimate that the marriage rate in the U.S. is half what it was at it's peak after World War II. Some sociologists posit that we are returning to a "pre-modern pattern" where upper-class people marry to protect their holdings while many others don't marry at all. With a declining marriage rate as well as delayed or lengthened engagements, we are presented with a lack of words and language for a large population who have lost a significant life partner – people who have endured great personal disruption and hardship, who are immersed in, as I term it: a harsh grief wilderness. Either the language can become more flexible or new words must be developed to give voice to many people who have loved deeply, committed fully and endured great loss.

The Widows Gates - Part Two of Two

Kim GosneyFebruary 15, 2019

It is true that you can never go back and re-write the days you had with your loved ones - and this certainly includes regrets over not taking photos at key moments.  Once you have made peace with this fact, there are many ideas for people who are grieving the lack of pictorial archives. It is truly only limited by your imagination and what you feel comfortable with. You might consider simply to put out a call to friends that you are looking for pictures of your beloved. It may never occur to your friends or family to look through their archives and send any photos that they possess... what is more, some might question if it is appropriate to send you pictures thinking that it might upset you, especially if it is unsolicited. Let people know that you are actively trying to increase you library and would cherish any photos they might share. With the photos you do have in your possession... you might consider the following: - Some have chosen to hire a professional photographer to conduct a session that includes  someone holding a portrait of the deceased.  It can be done as a family or individual portrait. This appeals to western cultural sensibilities and yet includes the person in the portrait. These can be formal or informal. You could go to a studio or have it done in your home or some other intimate space. Or, try what I do, do it yourself... - Companies that take photos and create paintings from them often do what is called  "composite painting" . Artists can add to or subtract from the original photos you supply to create one beautiful oil painting. They routinely paint family portraits with an additional person- so as far as composite paintings go, the only limit is your imagination.  -  Collage work  is a mainstay of expressive arts and a great way to combine any constellation of people in your life into a cohesive visual statement. Since many of us have digital pictures, you can easily print your photos to create a 2D collage or work online to make a digital collage. If you are going from prints, you can scan your photos in (services are available at most print and copy stores) and work with paper or digital mediums. You can print with archival inks or, when the work fades - reprint the piece. The process of doing this creative work can be very therapeutic and can be done numerous times for multiple evocative outcomes. Pro-Active Photography from This Day Forward We all learn lessons as we go in this life. Once you lose something you are forever changed. What can we learn from loss and photography? First , everyone should consider the importance of online hosting and another method of backing-up precious photos. For my most precious photos I have a small hard drive in my document firebox and an online host that stores these photos as well. Next , perhaps you can schedule a time every year to think about your photos and if you have covered important categories - did you get these pictures? Here are some of my categories: -- On the beach -- In the park -- On the couch -- Doing their favorite activity -- In the snow -- In the workplace or classroom -- In the city -- All major events -- Playing -- Doing something that is their habit that you find endearing -- Group photos with everyone (use that timer and tripod! or schedule photo sessions) What ideas would you add to this list? Third , if we accept that photography is indeed an interpretive art, then giving yourself freedom to take interpretive liberties that serve your grieving heart is more than permissible and part of the reclaiming process. Photography can be an important part of knitting your heart back together. You should feel free to use any method to help you on your healing journey. If you have other ideas on what people can do to bolster their visual archive, please share them!

Possible Remedies for the Photos You Never Had

Kim GosneyDecember 16, 2018

I was speaking with a gathering of people who had experienced the premature loss of loved ones. These were not the kinds of deaths due to old age, the losses were of young people, people who had been taken far too early. The subject of photography came up. Many chimed in that they regretted not having certain pictures of beloved people who are now forever gone. They felt an aching absence of group photos or snapshots of particular moments that were meaningful to them. This moved me very deeply, to hear the anguish of people who felt that moments had slipped by undocumented and now there was nothing to be done about it. I have only three very precious family photos that include all five of us as a family. This is because I was the family photographer, always behind the camera. So there are thousands of beautiful, spontaneous photos of the children with their father - there are only three of all of us together when I handed the camera to a bystander. These three photos are staged, and not as evocative of feeling as most of our pictures. I enjoy them, but wish I had done things differently now. And then, there were the pictures of our family trip to Leavenworth, Washington from fall 2002. For years I grieved the possibility that I had lost those photos due to computer upgrade confusion... and was morose over the idea. When I found regular print photos of the trip in a box one day - I was overjoyed. Then I remembered that we had left on the trip without the digital camera by accident and had to swing into a convenience market to buy a disposable camera. I was both relieved and thrilled to have these precious pictures back in the archive of family treasures. A Problem as Old as Photography Itself Our ancestors and cultural counterparts might open our minds to different ways of understanding photography and death. For instance, it was convention in the 19th century to pose with personal items, like purses or scarves - that represented absent or dead relatives. This was a method to include them, emotionally, in the picture. Post-mortem photography (also called memorial portraiture or memento mori) were prevalent in the mid-1800s when daguerreotype made photography accessible to the general public. It was a practice of photographing the recently deceased as a way of producing a keepsake... this is still practiced in parts of central Europe. In India, it is a tradition to paste head shots of absent family members into wedding photographs. Culturally, these kinds of photos are not perceived of as trickery but a way to honor someone that was not present.  In present-day America, photo manipulation typically evokes jokes around the deleting of an ex-partner from a dozen years of vacation photographs with Photoshop, scissors or a magic marker… or to remove wrinkles, fat and/or dark circles under the eyes. As well, we hire professional photographic retouchers as a response to a media-saturated world which sets an impossible standard. Since all images of the beautiful and famous are enhanced, ordinary people use retouchers to remove blemishes or double chins from photos to be posted on such pedestrian venues as Facebook. On the other end of the spectrum, there are those who are mourning the loss of all photos of beloved people and moments through disaster. An example. In 2005, Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast of the United States. Katrina victims, many of them having lost everything, found that rebuilding their photo libraries was among the hardest tasks. I read about what the organizers called a "Katrina Shower" - like a baby shower - where people gathered to shower a person with items needed to rebuild... and among the gifts were photos that others had in their collection that might have meaning to the recipient. I was also moved to read about a company that offered free image hosting to Katrina victims. But, behind the scenes, something else has been going on that is seldom discussed. People have hired professional photographic retouchers to create composite portraits of live and deceased people. Such manipulations demonstrate imagination born out of love and loss. This dates back to very early photography. Imagination and memory have never been subject to literal reality - they are always some form of revision. Photography, as well, has always participated in varying levels of distortion. The same photographer can create different impressions of the same scene by including some elements in the frame and omitting others, by changing lenses, or by adjusting the color and tone of the image.  In the next post, we will discuss ways to deal with the lack of good photos of your beloveds.

Photos and Grief

Kim GosneyDecember 16, 2018

In 1596, while writing the history play King John, Shakespeare's 11 year old son, Hamnet, died of the plague. Shakespeare's grief can be seen in the play. In the words of Constance, mother of Prince Arthur, who, believing him to be dead says; "Grief fills the room up of my absent child. Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me. Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words. Remembers me of all his gracious parts. Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form. Then, have I reason to be fond of grief". Constance then exits, and from here on is not seen through the rest of the performance.

A Grief As Old As Our Ancestors

Kim GosneyNovember 23, 2018

Where Culture Fails The Dying and the Grieving… It Fails Us All

  I and many others in the community that discuss death observe that the dominant western culture is often treacherous when death and grief occurs. After thousands of conversations with terminal and grieving people, I see the patterns and wish to gently but persistently call them out here. To me, this is a matter of social justice for the health of humankind.  The denial of death and grief is a formidable force and it may be tugging on you right now. Stay with me here, if you can. Now I need to admit that there certainly are sub-cultures that have better systems for supporting dying and grief. I applaud those efforts and systems. However, most of us do not find ourselves in these smaller, healthier systems. So I will be referring to the “dominant culture” henceforth to make that distinction. My hunch is that the main problem is a dualism and illusion. Our western perspective may find many corrective beliefs in the eastern perspective as a set of constructs to consider. Example: In the Japanese zen tradition, there is a word: Sho-ji. This can be understood as birth-death, where no dualism exists. The 13th century Japanese Zen Master Dogen suggests that birth is understood as No-birth, and death is understood as No-death. If you search for a buddha (meaning, an ideal state of intellectual and ethical perfection) outside birth and death, it will be like trying to see the Big Dipper while you are facing south. As Frank Ostaseski, founder of the first zen hospice, has said, “There is no separation between life and death other than a small hyphen, a thin line that connects the two. We cannot be truly alive without maintaining an awareness of death. Death is not waiting for us at the end of a long road. Death is always with us, in the marrow of every passing moment. She is the secret teacher hiding in plain sight. She helps us to discover what matters most." I will describe three ways that the dominant culture fails the dying and the grieving - and eventually everyone - and ways to think differently, for your consideration:

Our Dominant Culture Values Achievement VERSUS The Truth: The Value Of Life Is Embedded in Each Person We gain merit within our society by offering our usefulness and achievement to the system, we are often measured by our production. This shared vision of achievement can be invigorating and enlivening when we are young, when our lives are ahead of us and when we have access to limitless possibilities. Our society adores us when we get married, have babies, get jobs, build homes, buy cars… and on and on.  The problem is that this dominant cultural narrative does not include things like: endings, illnesses, tragedies, losses, closures and death. Loss and death are - in a spiritless culture -  covertly considered as a vacuum, a waste, a destruction or a regression. Our dominant culture promotes the upward trajectory - not to be interrupted or thwarted by an accident, illness or a misfortune, not to be fumbled by foggy thinking that can result from grief or years of exhaustion from care-giving. If those who keep adding to their empires deserve credit for all their successes in our culture, then those who have lost so much must surely, covertly, deserve all their losses, pain, and shame. A lot of great things have been written recently regarding shame. Shame may be thought of as the sensation of blame and guilt for not holding up the prevailing cultural standards around us. Death is a deep mystery, and a demanding process on all who are closely involved. It is the hardest work that we do as humans. It can be painful, confusing, erratic and chaotic. And - in a short-sighted view - when it is over we have nothing to show for it. Dying and grieving processes may appear to be a waste of time, resources, potential. The dying and the grieving are vulnerable in a system like this. They may be abandoned and ignored. They may be briefly tokenized, put on pedestals for a short time by employers and social groups to show they are compassionate and caring. Or the dying and the grieving can be greeted with a short spate of drama. Compassion fatigue quickly moves in, people end up being more critical of the dying and the grieving… In all the conversations I have had, I observe that the dying and the grieving are often losing career jobs or community status . The number of people I have seen laid off during these types of situations - boy, that should be a statistical study for some justice-seeking organization. And not to state the obvious, but it’s also more often those who are distressed economically who suffer disproportionately in dying and grieving process. Mark Twain’s famous suggestion that death is “the great leveler”, does not apply on this side of the tombstone. How and where you die - home, hospice or hospital - (and I am breaking from the alliteration by adding)-street, gutter… is heavily dependent on your wealth, geographical location , and whether you have decent health insurance. Grief support can often include a hefty price tag (which is why Alive and Mortal is free and we seek benefactors to support our work to give back to the community). A society that attributes people’s merit due to their achievement will neglect or even deny the value embedded within each person, no matter the level of contribution at the moment. We, here, honor the labor-intensive process of dying and grief, the hard-fought lessons of the dying, the clarion wisdom of the life cycle, the sacred nature of illness and aging and the brilliant beauty of grief. Some of the hardest work people will ever do in this dominant culture is to work toward dying with safety and sacredness and to grieve with courage and honesty. We see you. We hear you. We honor you.

Our Dominant Culture Values Speed and Autonomy VERSUS Death & Grief Are Slow and Inter-Dependent   Processes

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To clarify, even a sudden death will more often than not have a longer story of how it suddenly occurred - that includes factors such as violent cultural problems, lack of community resources and support, poverty of information and so forth.  The dominant culture is already disappointed that death and grief has manifested. The tyranny of quick solutions for dying and grieving are endless and a lot of money is made by charlatans that offer quick healing for illness, tragedy and sorrow. After Brian died I received perhaps as many as 40 emails with cancer fighting advice. Thanks. And many grief groups reached out that touted moving on and “beating grief” or giving “grief relief” for a price tag. Many books. Many expensive retreats. Further, the dominant culture celebrates individual achievements as the most intoxicating narratives. The belief is that everyone is capable of building fortresses and empires. There is a forgetting of community and inter-dependence and a blind eye to our entitlements and privileges. Due to the focus on individualism, people show up for a week to the accompany the dying or the grieving, but reliably within a month there is a stunning lack of community presence. These dying and grieving processes be very slow - it can require more patience than we often predict. Losing place in the cultural fabric of our lives can literally kill us, maim us or, at the least, weaken us. We seem to have placed a very short time stamp on support. There seems to be an unspoken expectation that after some time, everyone will simply get on with life. This concept is wrecking our entire culture. Compassion fatigue is real for most of our community members. I want to posit: if we are unable to die and grieve in community, it is nearly impossible to find safety.  This is the only characteristic that unites all humans - that we will die - it is what unites us all at our core. I have known of numerous people who have openly posted regarding their situation or condition on social media and been hassled for it. Consequently, you will find many closed and secret groups online for people with terminal diagnosis and grief stories because of the hostility people have toward having their newsfeed present something emotionally challenging while they enjoy the rest of the posts, their latte and Sunday paper. Another telling indication of this societal norm is the traditions around employment leave for illness, caregiving and bereavement in this country. They are abysmal. Earth shattering circumstances still only garner a few days of adjustment. Many employers will not allow employees to pool sick, vacation or bereavement leave for people with catastrophic situations. This ties back to the first characteristic mentioned -  each person’s time is separated are to be squeezed for maximum output. We do not see how interdependent we are and how the gift of slow, compassionate time is what is required. Love is both the motivation and the destination.

Our Dominant Culture Values Optimism VERSUS Dying and Grief Display Our Mortality

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We are immersed in a forgetting and a thick denial - we ignore that death and grief will be an experience we all will face eventually. As Ernest Becker said, “To live fully is to live with an awareness of the rumble of terror that underlies everything.”  The dying and grieving deserve compassion, rather than contempt. These topics remain taboo, shunned in polite circles. We continue to have a strained relationship with the concepts - and realities - of death and grief. The medical profession both supports and is tyrannized by this system. In a 2008 study of chronic heart failure, people were shown to overestimate their life expectancy by a full three years. This kind of optimism was also shown in a 2011 study of lung cancer patients who were deemed to have inaccurate perceptions of the purpose of their treatment (i.e. cure versus palliation) and their chances of mid to long-term survival. Our tendency to think we will “beat the odds” may result in not being properly prepared for death. Grieving people often report - and I mean REALLY often -that regaining any type of normal life takes much, much longer than they ever could have imagined. And isolation does not help. Compassionate community helps. Taboo or not, death and grief are part of a conversation we all need to have. If nothing else, having more conversation about death and grief could provide opportunities for insight - insight that would benefit us during the end of life. No one should become totally alone while vulnerable and suffering during these moments. Denial has its advantages – protecting us from things we are not ready to face. The time to discuss death and grief are now, ahead of the crisis moments. If we continue to stay in denial, the outcomes will not be as kind or loving as they could be.

Finally, Social Death Can Be Real If culture is failing dying and grieving people, then it’s failing us all. It is only a matter of time before death will head toward each person in its trademark unexpected way. Any system that further marginalizes the most vulnerable among us cannot be a true instrument of justice. This creates a level of social death. In certain life seasons, to be human is to be vulnerable, to lie fallow, to express need, to hurt, to grieve, to die. It is true for me. It is true for you. If we are going to build strong communities we need to also build strategies that recognizes, supports and affirms the lives of dying and grieving people. A community that takes into account the existence of death and grief and makes space for it has a chance to become a vibrant and relevant culture. We need to be wary of the ways in which cultural systems, both formal and informal, can be used to manipulate and exploit individuals who are vulnerable with the processes of dying and grieving – and we need to question systems that exploit people or treat them as disposable. We need to value one another – each and every person who makes up our society regardless of where we are in the life cycle – as precious, as sacred, as flawed, as essential. The dying and the grieving have a gift to give, who will receive it? Death is not a full stop, it is a moment within a whole host of moments, but one that brings clarity and illumination. We need to be having more conversations about death and grief. With all kinds of people. We need to take the sacred task of caring for one another in our vulnerable and transitional states as a sacred teacher rather than a technical task to be jobbed out to professionals. Healing is found by moving toward suffering rather than running from it or distracting ourselves from it. Compassion runs toward suffering. We need to believe that we are capable of a creating a just culture that transforms rather than diminishes all who are in the seasons of engaging with death and grief because, in truth - we have no other choice. I will die. You will die. We all will grieve. If you open your heart - there are riches beyond measure here.

Where Culture Fails The Dying and the Grieving… It Fails Us All

Kim GosneyFebruary 10, 2018

INGRID GOES WEST - a review through the eyes of bereavement “We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” - Joan Didion SPOILER ALERT The script earned Smith and Spicer (who also directed) an award at the 2017 Sundance Festival. The talented cast is impeccable in their performances. The trailers for "Ingrid Goes West" depict the movie as a dark and over-the-top comedy about mental fragility, social media, superficiality and obsession. The iMDB summary of the movie is succinct: "An unhinged social media stalker moves to LA and insinuates herself into the life of an Instagram star." The comedy portion of the film is recognizable from the peculiar things all people, to one degree or another, do online. Staring at our phones, typing in strange responses, stalking people online that we do not know to see what their life might be... longing for bullet-proof perfect privilege.

But, how does this film stack up in terms of depicting young adults coping with grief and loss of parents? How #perfect is it where grief is concerned? First, the movie is - like most movies - depicting people in a level of caricature. It is not a bio-pic, so expecting all the scenes to be realistic is beyond the scope of a film such as this. For instance, it is not likely that Ingrid would survive in Los Angeles as long as she did on the amount of money she inherited. Suspending judgement is a part of what film always invites us to do, unless it is a documentary film. The two characters in the film that are known to have encounter the deaths of their parents are Ingrid and her love interest Dan Pinto. Ingrid appears to have been a caregiver of her mother. At one point, she tells Dan that her mother "died of a heart attack" but we know this not to be the entire story given the earlier scene where a hospital bed appears in the living room that and emotionally bereft Ingrid falls asleep in. We are left with the impression that likely Ingrid has been a caregiver at home in some sort of hospice arrangement for some time. We also know that Ingrid was in a mental ward for some period of time, establishing her mental fragility - perhaps bipolar disorder. Later, Ingrid used the money she inherited to fund a transition to California to seek out her new online obsession. There she meets landlord Dan Pinto. Dan is an orphan. He reveals that his parents died in a car accident. He has bonded with the character Batman to pull himself through this early, horrific loss. Though Dan has used a mythological character to pull him through a painful and frightening childhood, he is refreshingly authentic and transparent. This contrasts with the vapid Instagram reality that Ingrid chases. Dan has offered a fragile opening where he allows Ingrid in... but she is oblivious to this potential bond, seeing her relationship as only a tactical advantage for her. She appears more herself with him, but has little time for this. Her attention is elsewhere. She goes to any length - ANY LENGTH - to attach herself to the one person she identifies as having the perfect life to feel as if she too, has such a life story. The caped crusader myth of the story helps keep this movie out of the Single White Female genre. “We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” Grief has a way of throwing us out of our bodies and out of our lives. Grief can make us do insane things (maybe not like Ingrid, but nonetheless we will see sides of ourselves that we never had occasion to know existed...) My empathy bloomed for both characters in the scene where they are sharing their lack of parental presence. It reminds me of many conversations I have had with people where we are revealing our wounds and scars. I get the sense that Dan takes this all in and Ingrid is still teflon to the possible care being cooked between them. Ingrid has determined that her wellbeing is tied to closeness with the woman of her obsession and has no bandwidth for any other safe harbor.

Ingrid attempts suicide and puts the entire experience on Instagram. She awakens in the hospital and learn later that Dan saved her life. Her survival is tied to a real person with real transparency. She also sees an Instagram outpouring begging her not to kill herself. The ending of the movie leaves us with a question- will she stay in the online world alone or blend it with a real in-the-flesh relationship with Pinto? I will need to see it again to review the suicide speech. I was too emotional to take it in as a reviewer should. Pinto shows himself to be the only character worth knowing and he is marginalized throughout the film by all the characters. He has had the hardest loss and is the most un-glamorous and invisible. I have found, listening to the tales of many, that sometimes the most courageous people are not easily identified. They are living day to day below the shiny lights of our media. I recommend this movie if you have a dark sense of humor, can withstand or close your eyes to some violence and a suicide scene that ends without death.

"Ingrid Goes West" - a Review with Grief in Mind

Kim GosneySeptember 2, 2017

Story of a Grief-Addled Brain Studies have shown that grief can cause havoc in cognitive functioning, memory and concentration. I wanted to share a bit personally about this. Here is the backdrop. I had been on a roller coaster. I was in a "seasonal mode," working 70 hour weeks in event production when Brian started complaining of back pain. I was already depleted when we began on a road that would lead to Brian's death. On that road, things intensified and I went for approximately 25 days without any significant sleep. Three days sleeping in a chair in the hospital and occasionally crawling into the twin-sized hospital bed to hold Brian. At home with hospice - 22 days of round-the-clock pressure to suss out his caregiving. To give you a picture, say - if each day I learned 5 new things about his caregiving, the next day... 3 of those things would be obsolete. After he died my sleep was no better. I had a lot of excess adrenaline and had to use sleep aids to force myself to sleep. For about 2 years after (an never had I had this before), my body would do what is called an extreme hypnic jerk, hypnagogic jerk or night start. This was like having my whole body being electrocuted by an impulse when I had been lying in bed.  There was the disruption of life, daily tasks, finances and new responsibilities. Things that were not my responsibility previously became urgent and mine to sort through. Most of my habits were disorganized or obliterated. There was the growing and worrisome realization that I could not afford to stay in our home without his income. There was the deep dive into taking apart his studio, his work materials, his equipment, his systems that I knew little to nothing about. There were all the people flowing in and out of our home, some old friends, some new friends, to help try and suss out what was wanted and needed, what had value, what could be sold. And then, there was the deep, creeping grief that moved in as a permanent room-mate. Here is the meat of what I would like to share. I went out for a meal with one of our family friends to plan Brian's distribution of ashes. As we sat at the restaurant, I could sense that he was growing increasingly impatient with my inability to plan, forecast and organize this complex family trip to handle the ashes. There was lodging, transportation and food to plan. I was inarticulate, my language seemed to have vanished. I was dumbfounded by my inability to plan - I had designed and run events for over 4,000 people in 160 acres, and I seemed to not be able to plan a trip for about 10 people coming from 4 geographic locations. This friend became so frustrated with me, he said that he could no longer talk about the plans. And that I should contact him when I was ready to get going on the plans. Somehow my brain registered his frustration and yet I was swimming in so much brain fog that I could not move myself into worry for his cranky response. Then, he changed the subject. He asked me about some past event. Out of my mouth came full, articulate sentences that were nuanced and clever. I startled myself with the contrast. In that moment.  Little did I know that this was a foreshadow of what was to come. My language and cognition about anything past-tense would be crystal clear and full of language fluidity. My language and cognition about anything present or future tense involuntarily boiled down to one or two unclear words. This went on for several months - say about 8 months. In that time I also received numerous parking tickets, lost several of those parking tickets. Locked myself out of the car numerous times (thanks AAA) and missed appointments. I misplaced bills, forgot to return emails and correspondences. Missed meetings, was late to meetings, got lost. Lost keys and wallets, locked myself out of the house and... well you can imagine. It got better slowly over time. I am 9 years out now and I can say that I am about at 80% of my formal mental acumen. That should factor in aging in addition to grief. I recall the first time I went to the grocery after he died I was in there for well over an hour because the sheer task of getting food was flooding me and I could barely process what was happening. Why tell you all this? Because it seems, I am not the only one that has this experience. People who have never been impacted by grief are likely not to understand how disordered our minds can become when we have lost a life partner that we are deeply bonded to. And I would like them to have a chance to understand this. Without this awareness, they will want us to be the old, articulate person that we once were. We can be seen as a problem, slow, confused and out of control. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS CAN BE NORMAL BECAUSE WE EXPERIENCED THE DEATH OF SOMEONE MUCH LOVED AND WE ARE DEEPLY BONDED TO OUR LOVED ONE. We did not abandon them, did not hide, did not ship them off to a professional service. We stayed and we met the task head on and kept them safe and ushered them home.  While grief causes havoc in the brain, creates pain, problems and inconveniences - grief itself should not be treated in such a derogatory manner. The death event and all the things leading up to it and after it - culminates in a permanent and impactful earthquake to the person who is left behind. No one you know will really "get over" an important loss. They will just adapt to it, learn how to walk again - often with a slight, beautiful limp. Life was severely disrupted and never returned to it's previous state.  And I would do it all over again, for such a love. "... the night will break your heart, only if you're lucky now."

Story of a Grief-Addled Brain, or Why We Have Grief Brain Fog

Kim GosneyAugust 8, 2017

Four Truths That Grieving People Wish You Knew During Any Event or Holiday

Four Truths That Grieving People Wish You Knew During Any Event or Holiday

Any event or holiday. ANY ONE. You name it. It is likely hard for your grieving friend. For those of us who’ve recently lost someone we love, many an event or holiday stings with sorrow. Our grief will not disappear with the many rituals and sentimental activities of events and holidays. In fact, many find that this pause, this marker of the passage of time, often escalates our grief. We can’t fix it. You cannot fix it. We should not even try. Let’s all let that idea go.  But, we can be more thoughtful of those enduring grief during any event or holiday.  Here are FOUR THINGS we would like you, the general public, to know during any event or holiday…  1. We will be missing them. No matter if it has been 1 hour, 1 year or 10 years.

We have lost an important person and we will be missing them. No matter if it has been 1 hour, 1 year or 10 years.

  Often when we have lost someone that we are deeply bonded to, unfortunately, even the most lovely occasion might be pierced by moments of pain. Consider it like thorns on the rose. We have the beauty and the pain, now wrapped all in one package. For us, the deceased person is always on our minds to one degree or another. We have crossed a bridge that we can never return over - we lost our innocence or it got further eroded - we cannot live in the “denial of death” space. We can't forget, even if we wanted to. We mourn the loss of one special person, maybe two or three or more special people. We are feeling an absence of someone or several people we love and it becomes more acute in sentimental event or holiday times. We miss our old selves, too. Our old self will never return, but we hold a great and lofty hope that the emerging self is even better. Our "carefree self" likely died as we endured our loved one's death. We no longer sweat the small stuff but we might be more intense about what truly matters.  Practically all occasions are tinged with some amount of sadness for us right now. We recall happier times and miss them like crazy. We are not choosing this. We cannot do anything to cause or change this. There is no amount of music, activities, crazy antics, people or schedules that will alter this shadow over the event or the holiday for us. If we can all agree on that, there is more room for things to feel more kind and supportive. Thank you for being a person that understands this as our truth.   2. Social settings and dynamics are extremely challenging when we are grieving.

Social dynamics are extremely challenging when we are grieving.

  Please know that as we hang out with people who are blissfully unaware of death, our sensation of loss and grief can spike. Merriment can feel almost surreal to us. Seeing people that still have their intact families and friend cohort groups - this reminds us of what we are living without.  I recall the first time I took a walk after Brian died wherein I walked past a park and there were families BBQing and playing and relaxing. I did not have that anymore and that transition happened in 22 days (the time it took between diagnosis and death). I felt like I was suffocating. I went from a family of 5 to being alone. There is no way to ease that offramp. Even when we are with people that are grieving the same people who have died - please know that all family members and friends can be on different timetables and have unique paths of grieving. There is no "wrong way" - there is only yours… but that can end up feeling isolating and lonely. For example, some family and friends want to “move on.” Others do not believe in such a thing as “moving on” or they do not see themselves as there. Some want nothing to change and want the event program or holiday activities to be kept the same, others want nothing to stay the same and want to go to a tropical island. Sometimes, the name of the person who died is never mentioned so as not to upset anyone at the gathering. At other times, advice is liberally ladled out on grieving people who have little strength to defend their truth in the moment. Some mood alter with substances. Sometimes the one who is deceased was the glue that held everyone together and no one in the group knows how to be together any longer. It can be so confusing with family and friends when everyone is grieving. Think of it as lots of ages, stages and contexts all mixed together with unique ways of addressing pain. We do not want to be a downer, we do not want to ruin the fun. And. Event and holiday gatherings are taxing for even the most extroverted of us. We want and need to be included - but we need to be given lots of space for rest and repose. When you extend an invitation, give us permission to decline, cancel, change our RSVP several times, attend for a brief time or take a walk (break). You can ask us what might make us more comfortable. Allow us to bring a companion should we need it. A majority of us want to speak and hear the name of the person who died or listen and be free to tell or hear stories about the deceased. Often we cannot shift our energy and be in high gear for long periods of time for a social gathering. Please understand that. Let's just say - this combination of grief, events and holidays with all the socializing counts as some of the hardest stuff people encounter. Families: encouraging people to give everyone a lot of room for their emotions. Try to make space for hugs and gentle care. Friends: spending one-on-one time with us if you can, and invite us to decompress with you. Thank you for being a supporter of us.   3. Our tears are a release - please welcome them.

Tears are a release - welcome them.

  “Tears are the noble language of eyes, and when true love of words is destitute. The eye by tears speak, while the tongue is mute.” ― Robert Herrick Tears are the most common language of grief. They can, at the same time, be unwelcome and awkward - particularly during “happy” events. Please know - we seldom can control when we cry. We all need to remember that tears are not the enemy, ourselves included. In fact, they are a helpful way that our bodies work to off put stress and pain. Let us know that our tears are not only ok, but accepted. Know that if YOU cry when listening to us that we receive it as a tender gift. Give us the ability to excuse ourselves when emotions are too much in a social setting. Ask if we want company. Please let our yes be yes and our no be no. Thank you for making space for our tears.   4. In the midst of a noisy event or holiday, your listening matters.

In the midst of a noisy season, your listening matters.

  Our feelings of loneliness and isolation when we are grieving may likely increase. We are often out of sync with the world during the events and holidays. We know there are a lot of things competing for your attention - that may have once been our reality too. We know that you have limited time. Our time may often become slower and more empty. Could you arrange to call or text us or send an e-card? When you call and ask us how we are truly doing, you give us the gift of time, a gift far more expensive than any purchased gift. Forget worrying over formulating in your mind what you are going to say next. We know that what we are saying is challenging and you may be prone to mental distractions. Therefore, it is a real gift when you are attentive and actively listening for a segment of time. Even if you have heard it all before, your patience lets us know that you understand. We need to say it more than you need to hear it. Thank you for listening to us.   These four things can make a difference in a grieving person’s experience of any event or holiday. Thank you for caring - and please, share this article to help others learn how to better support grieving people.    For more support, join us. Alive and Mortal - aliveandmortal.org .

Four Truths That Grieving People Wish You Knew During Any Event or Holiday

Kim GosneyJuly 25, 2017

The Empty Bowl The metaphor: a bowl. empty. waiting to be filled. it's only true contents the cool air that spans the distance between its curved walls. the light and shadow that are broken from its shape. The empty bowl implies the possibility of being filled. the hope and belief of being filled. nevertheless, it is empty now. It fits perfectly in the palms of my hands as if it were made just for me, just for this day, this time. It is cool to the touch and light as a feather it could break should I hold it too carelessly or hold it with too much force. I must hold it with relaxed, yet purposeful hands. And pay attention. Maybe it will be filled with manna maybe water maybe a piece of bread It may take time. I pray not. I thirst. I hunger. I am alone. I am needy. my arms tire as if it were heavy as if it were made of stone. My eyes fading. Yet I am here with my empty bowl, and a teaspoon full of faith in something larger than myself. -- kg

A Poem by Kim - The Empty Bowl

Kim GosneyJuly 21, 2017

If you are having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) you may fall into one or more of three categories:   intrusive memories avoidance and numbing increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal) You may have someone suggest EMDR treatment to you. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing  and is a treatment for PTSD. In EMDR, a patient brings to mind emotionally unpleasant images and beliefs about themselves related to their traumatic event. With these thoughts and images in mind, patients are asked to experience bi-lateral stimulation as guided by the therapist. I traveled to New England to receive EMDR but you can find a local clinician.  In your first session, the clinician will likely explain how EMDR might be used to address the specific concerns you have identified - and help you to identify the "target(s)" for EMDR reprocessing - the particular feeling(s), memory(ies), belief(s), or situation(s) that has been problematic for you.  There are different types of bilateral stimulation. Your clinician may use ear phones, tappers held in your hands, lights that can be followed by your eyes or various types of music with embedded bilateral sounds. Using bilateral stimulation, you explore positive resources in your mind. EMDR is very effective at enhancing positive images, thoughts, and memories. Later, when working with upsetting targets, you can return to these positive resources as a place of safety, support, and calm. As you think about the target - bilateral stimulation helps your mind "reprocess" the target by allowing your mind to move towards new thoughts and feelings. "Desensitization" occurs when there is a decrease in the anxiety or negative emotions associated with the target. When you no longer find the target disturbing, you have arrived at "adaptive resolution". How many sessions will be needed?   Repeated studies show that EMDR can be extremely effective in as few as three sessions - compared to years in more traditional forms of therapy (see the Journal of Anxiety Disorders, vol.13,1999). Often one might anticipate 6 sessions and an assessment on whether to continue or to conclude EMDR. The time frame of the work will largely be determined by your needs and goals. I used EMDR and it has been highly effective for me. I had a talented clinician and attended 8 sessions. I highly recommend EMDR.

Post-Traumatic Stress? Consider EMDR Therapy...

Kim GosneyJuly 21, 2017

The smallest diaspora begins creeping in the souls of those weakened in the hearts of those suffering in the mourning and the grieving. This one whose hands are aching and whose hold is slipping onto anything anyone will never return to the homeland. The brother will not notice. The neighbor will not see The kindred do not comprehend the vanishing. This is the smallest diaspora. The one that is lost here. The other that is missing there. That hands are aching and hold is slipping onto anything anyone even time itself. -- kg

Poem by Kim - "The smallest diaspora"

Kim GosneyJuly 9, 2017

En su llama mortal la luz te envuelve.  Absorta, pálida doliente, así situada contra las viejas hélices del crepúsculo que en torno a ti da vueltas. Muda, mi amiga,  sola en lo solitario de esta hora de muertes y llena de las vidas del fuego,  pura heredera del día destruido.  Del sol cae un racimo en tu vestido oscuro.  De la noche las grandes raíces crecen de súbito desde tu alma,  y a lo exterior regresan las cosas en ti ocultas, de modo que un pueblo pálido y azul de ti recién nacido se alimenta.  Oh grandiosa y fecunda y magnética esclava del círculo que en negro y dorado sucede:  erguida, trata y logra una creación tan viva que sucumben sus flores, y llena es de tristeza.  The Light Wraps You The light wraps you in its mortal flame. Abstracted pale mourner, standing that way against the old propellers of the twilight that revolves around you. Speechless, my friend, alone in the loneliness of this hour of the dead and filled with the lives of fire, pure heir of the ruined day. A bough of fruit falls from the sun on your dark garment. The great roots of night grow suddenly from your soul, and the things that hide in you come out again so that a blue and palled people your newly born, takes nourishment. Oh magnificent and fecund and magnetic slave of the circle that moves in turn through black and gold: rise, lead and possess a creation so rich in life that its flowers perish and it is full of sadness.

Poem - "The light wraps you in its mortal flame.

Kim GosneyJuly 3, 2017

We usually think of hope as being grounded in our future This is "Wishful Hope" There is another kind of hope, though One born out of fully remembering our past We have survived everything in our lives thusfar We will be able to master this challenge too Any suffering in the past is a cornerstone for this kind of hope It is called "Transformative Hope" -kg

A Reliable Foundation For Hope

Kim GosneyJuly 3, 2017

Life changes in both radical and subtle ways when someone dies.  Here is what I wrote after my mother died: "Today, I am thinking about the subtle ways that life changes...  these alterations seem somewhat vexing... they creep in and make stark contrasts with the noisy life that we all seem to lead. When my mother was younger, she was very active and busy. She was occupied and pre-occupied with her projects and interests. She always had said that she wanted her grandchildren to ask "Where is Grandma now?".... she was never the mother that stayed home and baked and set up space for you to visit. But when she had turned - I will guess - around 80+ some things shifted for the woman who was always on the move. She slowed. Her legs were less reliable through accident and unsuccessful surgeries. Her heart was less robust. So the woman who had little time to be a mother when young was more available for phone calls, texts and emails. It is our phone calls - in the senior years of her life - that I am missing beyond measure. These calls were when I was commuting. They consisted of me calling and - for the large part- listening to her. Peppered in there where questions of how I was, what was going on. The talk became less about her and more about be in small increments, increasing over the years, like a slow tectonic plate shift toward a more generous conversation style. With ample time she became more interested in things - and me - beyond the scope of her projects. Mom died on Good Friday - March 29, 2013.  On Tuesday I took, for the first time, one of those drives - a drive when I typically called her. And I could hardly breathe. There will be nothing to replace this for me. These phone calls filled in some of the gaps and fissures of my relationship with her. My childhood longing for her attention. It is such a gift and I had it for about 6 years or so.... I am so sad to let it go. I plan to keep speaking with her, though, it will not be the same." Love, Kim

The Spaces That Open As Death Draws Closer

Kim GosneyNovember 7, 2016

Brian, written on February 12, 2008 at 12:38 in the morning... “Looking for parts that matter Wet and tired, a strong return? Fuck the stupid grey mist singing Old and tired songs And fuck the sleep that comes begging With lucid fits of of ill regard I'm a comet burning loudly With brilliant flames Through ripping air Some tremble with expected doom But I was only out for An exaulted romp through time I am gone” Brian began to not feel well in May, 2008. Brian died June 17, 2008. I still marvel at this.

Perhaps He Foresaw His Death...

Kim GosneyOctober 10, 2016

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. All wise men got puzzled by King's request. One answer for all question? Something that works everywhere, in every situation? In every joy, every sorrow, every defeat and every victory?  They thought and thought. After a lengthy discussion, an old man suggested something which appeal to all of them. They went to king and gave him something written on paper. But the condition was that king was not to see it - only in extreme danger, when the King finds himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then he can see it. The King put the papers under his diamond ring. After a few days, enemy neighbors attacked the Kingdom. The King and his army fought bravely but lost the battle. King had to flee on his horse. His horse took him far away in Jungle. He could hear many troops of horses were following him and the noise was coming closer and closer. Suddenly the King found himself standing in the end of the road. Underneath there was a rocky valley thousand feet deep. If he jumped, he would be finished. King became restless. There seemed to be no way. Then suddenly he saw the diamond in his ring shining in the sun, and he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond and read the message. The message was very small but very great. The message was - " This too will pass." The King read it. Again read it. Suddenly he understood - Yes! Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the Kings. Yet today, the Kingdom and all pleasure have gone. I am here trying to escape from enemies. However when those days of luxuries have gone, this day of danger too will pass. A calm come on his face. He kept standing there. The place where he was standing was full of natural beauty. He had never known that such a beautiful place was also a part of his Kingdom. The revelation of message had a great effect on him. He relaxed and forget about those following him. After a few minute he realized that the noise of the horses and the enemy coming was receding. They moved into some other part of the mountains and were not on that path. The King was very brave. He reorganized his army and fought again. He defeated the enemy and regain his lost empire. When he returned to his empire after victory, he was received with much fan fare at the door. The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory. Everyone was in a festive mood. Flowers were being thrown on King from every house, from every corner. People were dancing and singing. For a moment King said to himself,"I am one of the bravest and greatest King. It is not easy to defeat me." With all the reception and celebration an ego emerged in him. Suddenly the Diamond of his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded him of the message. He open it and read it again: "This too will pass." And, he became silent.

An Essay on Impermanence

Kim GosneyAugust 16, 2016

Some days I buckle under the weight of all the dark forces that hold dominion on the widow and orphan. Some days I feel the downward vortex of the stillborn one and the empty bassinet. Aching for a way-shower. A guide to show me how to get OUT. And then I rise. Somehow. I honestly cannot tell you how. It rises within like a surge of firey pain that cries out to love life and be fruitful. On Tuesday I told the woman that my favorite word was "nevertheless". -kg

Poem by Kim- "Some days I buckle under the weight of all the dark forces that hold dominion on the widow and orphan."

Kim GosneyAugust 11, 2016

Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay. -- Robert Frost

Poem - "Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold."

Kim GosneyJuly 5, 2016

I dreamt I was standing at the top of a very high tower, alone, looking down upon myriads of birds all flying in one direction; every kind of bird was there, all the birds in the world. It was a noble sight, this vast aerial river of birds. But now in some mysterious fashion the gear was changed, and time speeded up, so that I saw generations of birds, watched them break their shells, flutter into life, mate, weaken, falter and die. Wings grew only to crumble; bodies were sleek, and then, in a flash, bled and shrivelled; and death struck everywhere at every second. What was the use of all this blind struggle towards life, this eager trying of wings, this hurried mating, this fight and surge, all this gigantic meaningless effort? As I stared down, seeming to see every creature’s ignoble little history almost at a glance, I felt sick at heart. It would be better if not one of them, if not one of us, had been born, if the struggle ceased for ever. I stood on my tower, still alone, desperately unhappy. But now the gear was changed again, and the time went faster still, and it was rushing by at such a rate, that the birds could not show any movement, but were like an enormous plain sown with feathers. But along this plain, flickering through the bodies themselves, there now passed a sort of white flame, trembling, dancing, then hurrying on; and as soon as I saw it I knew that this white flame was life itself, the very quintessence of being; and then it came to me, in a rocket burst of ecstasy, that nothing mattered, nothing could ever matter, because nothing else was real but this quivering and hurrying lambency of being. Birds, men and creatures not yet shaped and coloured, all were of no account except so far as this flame of life travelled through them. It left nothing to mourn over behind it; what I had thought was tragedy was mere emptiness or a shadow show; for now all real feeling was caught and purified and danced on ecstatically with the white flame of life. I had never before felt such deep happiness as I knew at the end of my dream of the tower and the birds, and if I have now kept that happiness with me, as an inner atmosphere and sanctuary for the heart, that is because I am a weak and foolish man who allows this mad world to come in destroying every green shoot of wisdom. Nevertheless, I have not been quite the same man since. J.B. Priestly - "Man and Time"

Essay - "I dreamt I was standing at the top of a very high tower, alone..."

Kim GosneyJune 17, 2016